I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
