So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
