Yo dont text me then not text me
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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