Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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