There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
ok first of all what the fuck
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
