I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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