I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
