i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
