five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
