My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
