im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
