When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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