A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there's paper in my vomit.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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