Your face is a jimmy john
She said her name was "party"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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