Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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