I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
