What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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