I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
