Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
