Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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