so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
