i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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