ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
