The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just high enough for therapy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
