Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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