Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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