who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
