The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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