saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
