I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
