Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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