I need to stop coming to work sober
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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