I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
