my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
