Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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