Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
