Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
