That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
