Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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