ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
