I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
