I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
