I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
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I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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