dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
