I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
