Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
