My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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