She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
