I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
