oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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