k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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