Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
