Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
