My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
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The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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