i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
