John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
