just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
