I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
