Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
