I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
