I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
